So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
