Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
