dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
PANTIES FOUND
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
