I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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