Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
