Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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