My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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