But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
