You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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