I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
