the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
