The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Someone came in the potted fern
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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