I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Your mouth is God's brothel.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
