Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
