after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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