Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
