I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You ruined the universe
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
