I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
