I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
