I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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