I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
