I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
