look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
