I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Is it because I queefed?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
