bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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