I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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