I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
