I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
