It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
