They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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