Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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