I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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