her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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