Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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