I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
