meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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