Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
