He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
