We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I want her autograph on my taint
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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