need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
