My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
