he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
