Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I could fuck to npr.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
