She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
