you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
