My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
