The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
