I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
