I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
