I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
