What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
a search helicopter?!
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
