Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
smell my finger.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
