bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
