Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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