Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
