He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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