dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
