I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
